Dear (insert name),
Today is the 2nd of February 2023 and I just got back from work. I'm seated in the living room, if we may call it that, of my tiny apartment, lights dimmed as I get into my evening ritual that I call decompressing. As always, countless thoughts streaming through my mind, memories and dreams, all mashed together like a déjà vu. Many leaving my eyes teary as my heart swells with gratitude, but others leaving me smiling to myself in the dark like a psychopath. Then I pause and dwell on this one pleasant thought… YOU.
I know, as you read this, you're probably getting confused. Surely something is not adding up. Because on the day of writing this, the reality is one of these two scenarios. Either we had not yet met so I didn't even have a face to put on the character of "my future wife". Or, if we had already met I did not know at the time that you would be my wife. I suspect you think that smiling to that thought either way very well makes me look like a psychopath.
Well, well, indulge me for a second. There might be an alternative explanation other than psychopath.
Let's start with a short story from earlier today.
I had an interesting exchange with a 5 year old. It started with her hearing it was my birthday. It got her thinking about her own. "Oh, my birthday is coming soon". She said, beaming with a smile. I know her birthday is in late March, and that to me is not soon.
"It's still far away", I responded in a typical cynical adult tone.
"No, it's not far. We're in February now, so nth March is near". This was an argument that wasn't going to be won without empirical evidence. So I opened my calendar and counted for her the weeks between today and then.
You won't be surprised to hear, she wasn't having any of it. "Can't you see, it's only 8 weeks away?"
I rested my case. Clearly we experience time differently.
This is someone who loves her birthday. You may argue she's only still a child and birthday for her birthday means a party, cake and presents. It's not children only though, is it? I've seen adults who also exhibit such excitement. People who countdown the whole birth month.
That was never and will never be me. As a child, I did like my birthday. Not like this young friend of mine, but a healthy amount.
Along the way, it changed. There were those dark years of my life, which by now I'll have told you about, which it came to the point that I hated my birthday. It was a date that came round too soon. I wished it was like the 29th of February, for all I cared, once in 4 years was frequent enough. That was me and my birthday.
During those same dark years, I lost the zest for life. I remember, I used to go to bed so late because if I slept I'd wake up and it'd be a new day I wasn't ready for. I reasoned, as long as I didn't sleep, tomorrow would never come. Of course it did, and many times found me awake and obviously not ready for it. With the fire for life, I also lost the desire to be married. That is why I promised myself, I will only marry when I get back to a place when I wake up in the morning and I'm looking forward to the day.
Okay, enough about the dark days. Today is a good day. Both the "today" when I write this, and I imagine the "today" when you read it. Not forgetting, before I got into stories of dark days I was still trying to show you how I could have been thinking about you although I didn't know you yet.
Let's skip back to now… I woke up yesterday, looked at my phone and saw the date. The first day of the second month, which meant my birthday was only a day away. That realization hit different this time. I wasn't greeted by that existential dread I had become accustomed to over the better part of the last decade. Instead, the thought of my birthday filled me with a warm fuzzy feeling. It took me a second to internalize and put a name to this feeling I had. Hope, expectation, underlined with gratitude.
Wow!! That was a shift. From the birthdays I wished the calendar would swallow, to this. The whole day I felt light, like a balloon filled with Helium. Slowly elevated by nice balance of gratitude and expectation. Gratitude to God for where I've come from, and to the many that have been part of my journey. With it, hope for what the years ahead are to bring forth.
Have you made the connection yet? Not yet? You're failing to see what you might have to do with my previous dark days. Well, it's not about the dark days, but the contrast from them.
I no longer hated my birthday. On the contrary, I looked forward to it. In fact, it wasn't just about my birthday, for some time now, I have been looking forward to life. And putting this next to the promise I'd made to myself, let's do the math. It would suggest it is now wife o'clock.
That is why I was seated in that sofa wryly smiling as I thought about how I can't wait to have you. On a day like today, all I want is my family, which now you are a part of. And now that I'm taking on life with a determination like Liam Neeson's in Taken, I can't help but feel like I will find you soon. Dark days behid me, bright days with you to come.
May God make it so. Of course, in his time.
Yours truly,
JJ
PS: We are in the internet age now, how can one express love without memes?! So…
